The last two days have been a struggle for me. I hate that those days come when my faith is weak and the future of humanity appears so grim and life so overwhelming that living it is pointless. I hate those days. But those days do come; thankfully, not too often. If any of you struggle with depression and anxiety, you understand.

The fact is my hope often renews (slow as a snail on gravel) because those days force me to settle into what I know is truth and to seek out comfort from the invisible Creator God of whom I believe. Even if those days include me reminding myself of what I do believe every two minutes, reminding me that I made a decision to believe. I made a commitment to Him and not to self. When you try to emote faith on days like this, sometimes the most comforting way back is to remind yourself of your commitments to follow truth and not your wayward emotions.

This morning as I struggled to understand how the Spirit of the Almighty would lead a person such as me, a doubter, a sinner, a self-loather, I skeptically flipped open my bible. I admit it was an aimless opening. I had no verse in mind and no direction. (Maybe I was testing the Spirit’s presence in my life.) But where the pages fell open was surprising. Ecclesiastes. If you’ve read Ecclesiastes, you’ll wonder how in the world I could gain encouragement from such a book. And yet, there they were, the words I needed to pull me out of this gross emotional self-seeking lie of doubt.

“God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

This tiny truth woven into my heart is where my pain comes from. It’s like an aching homesickness that never goes away. It’s an ache for justice- for resolution- for a fairness that is clearly missing in the church and in the community around me. I ache for home, for heaven. I ache to see all children loved, to see all church members appreciated, to see all Christians wage a war against evil and not each other, to see God glorified and the bible held as our connection to our God and Savior.

My heart longs for a place that is truly beautiful. My heart knows that it exists and my discomfort here, as painful as it can be at times, is further proof that this earth isn’t home. My attempts to camp here and make it feel comfortable will always be vain attempts to create a home that truly awaits for me…somewhere else.

No church. No friend. No marriage. No child can fill the hole in your heart than only heaven can fill. As beautiful as this earth can be, we haven’t seen the truly beautiful resolution for our lives that He has in store for us. We can’t even see the plan He has nor understand the intricate blueprint he has designed for our paths. Maybe we should stop trying to understand and simply trust in the promise that we indeed have a tomorrow with Him.

Today, I rest in this hope of a future of peace, a beautiful view where all that I see around me finally makes sense and my inadequate attempts to make this earth feel like heaven will vanish in the blink of an eye when I finally see the real deal.